It seems like many of us feel like 2020 has been going on for years. The COVID-19 pandemic has turned our lives upside down. We may be now working at home. Our new offices may include a spouse working nearby or our children doing their school work or just being noisy kids. Many parents are struggling to balance work, homeschooling, and managing a household that has people in it all the time.

Tough is an understatement. Our country is in an unprecedented time of social dissent, uproar, violence, and division. Many of us feel like we are constantly as the end of our rope.

With all of this stress, one aspect of this crisis that I think is not getting enough attention is the ongoing grief most of us are experiencing. We may have lost our jobs and incomes. We can’t see or hug our friends or family. Vacations, if they happen at all, are very different than they were before. We may have lost loved ones and then lost the ability to mourn them in the way we would have liked to. We have lost things as basic as sharing a smile as we walk by someone. We have lost any sense of normalcy or predictability which has then results in a loss of any sense of security and safety.

The losses have quickly compounded. There are the daily small losses on top of whatever large losses we are struggling with. Because people feel maxed out there just is no time or capacity to cope with the grief. We may minimize it saying others have it way worse than us. We may not even acknowledge it happening because it takes everything we have to get through the day.
There are many reasons for the mental health crisis now occurring in the US and this inability to process grief or have any time for reflective self-care is part of it. If we are focused on survival then we have no emotional capacity for anything else.

I would love to be able to give you a list of 5 things to do to make it all better but sadly that is beyond my capacity. I think each of us has to identify who are support system is. We have to find out what is the thing that we can do that keeps us from flying over the edge. Is it walks, meditation, weekly happy hour zoom calls, take out or something else? Or maybe your thing changes every week or every day. I think receiving emotional support and having some  quiet time are keys for many of us. Exercise is also great. I know many people that are now taking daily walks. Simply acknowledging that we are scared and grieving is also helpful. Allowing some space to say you are really sad because you can’t see your elderly parents or naming whatever your biggest challenge is is important. It is important to know you are not alone in your struggles. We are in an unprecedented time and the levels of anxiety and depression have sky rocketed. Get professional support if you need it. Many of us are not coming to recognize that we are in this situation for the long haul so we need to strengthen our networks and coping skills on the one hand and on the other hand we need to own that some days are going to feel intolerable.

Take care of yourselves and your people the best that you can right now and ask for help if you need it.

Be safe!

Recalibrating after a loss

I posted an article about the grief of losing your mother on my Facebook page recently. One my friends wrote about the need to recalibrate after losing their mother. That word just resonated with me because it seems so fitting to what the process of grief can be like. When we lose someone who is a significant force in our life such as a parent or spouse we don’t just lose the person we lose our sense of life, as we know it. Our future looks different. We feel different.

When we have a strong connection with someone we create a future in our minds with them. If the relationship is positive then we know that they will be there for us and we will have their support and companionship to get us through the challenges of life. When that future plan gets taken away from us due to a death it can create a devastating anxiety and fear. Everything we thought to be true no longer is. If we are to move forward somehow we have to find a way to live our lives in a different way than we had planned. It is a frightening time.

I often talk with people about the different versions of ourselves we have in our lifetime. If we are lucky we learn and change and grow as we move through our lives. To me that is recalibration.  As life changes we are often forced to adapt. Sometimes we welcome these changes and more often we are forced into them kicking and screaming.

So what does it mean to recalibrate? It means finding our way in the world again. It means finding out who is truly our support system. It means learning new ways to cope. It means learning what we now like and dislike. It means learning to feel grief and stumble through it. It means somehow plugging our way forward in our new reality. Which is all any of us can do after a loss.

Losing our pets is one of the most painful experiences many of us go through. Part of the pain is having to make the decision to let them go.  How do we ever know when the right time is? And how do we not question that decision after it is made? Robyn Arouty a photographer has recently gotten a lot of press. She did a photo essay on the last day of life for a friend’s dog. Called “I Died Today” it is a beautiful tribute to one families’ love for their pet. One of the most touching aspects of this story is that this family adopted Dukey knowing he was sick. They had him for 3 years. Be warned reading it will cause numerous tears!

Robyn herself lost three animals in the last few years so she is no stranger to the grief of losing your pet. She has another post where she talks about that.

But I am going to quote it here because I think there is comfort in these words for anyone going through this experience. And I know people are starved to connect about this because Robyn’s site crashed because of all the visitors. Thank you to her for sharing her experience.

Her words on what she learned from her loss.

Dog Death, Dying, & Grief

What I know about doggie death, dying, & grief:

1. The time spent worrying about them leaving steals from the time you give them while they are here.

2. They leave when their mission is complete.

3. You can love again & again.

4. Experiencing death with your heart makes you stronger. You can overcome your fears. I’m living proof.

5. Letting them go when it’s time is the most selfless thing you can do.

6. Your soul is in your pet. Just look in their eyes & you will see it.

7. Loving hard means you will lose hard too.

8. Grief is only temporary.

9. They do come back. But you have to let them go first.

10. Animal lovers are a super special breed. Accept the love & support when you really need it. It’s ok.

– See more at: http://www.robynarouty.com/blog/#sthash.DUKIQCmE.dpuf

1. The time spent worrying about them leaving steals from the time you give them while they are here.

2. They leave when their mission is complete.

3. You can love again & again.

4. Experiencing death with your heart makes you stronger. You can overcome your fears. I’m living proof.

5. Letting them go when it’s time is the most selfless thing you can do.

6. Your soul is in your pet. Just look in their eyes & you will see it.

7. Loving hard means you will lose hard too.

8. Grief is only temporary.

9. They do come back. But you have to let them go first.

10. Animal lovers are a super special breed. Accept the love & support when you really need it. It’s ok.

 

Copyright: pyotr / 123RF Stock Photo