grief

Grief is experienced differently by everyone. Learn more about how to cope with grief.

September 2020

The Ongoing Grief of COVID-19

2022-08-29T19:32:42+00:00September 7th, 2020|grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

It seems like many of us feel like 2020 has been going on for years. The COVID-19 pandemic has turned our lives upside down. We may be now working at home. Our new offices may include a spouse working nearby or our children doing their school work or just being noisy kids. Many parents are struggling to balance work, homeschooling, and managing a household that has people in it all the time.

Tough is an understatement. Our country is in an unprecedented time of social dissent, uproar, violence, and division. Many of us feel like we are constantly as the end of our rope.

With all of this stress, one aspect of this crisis that I think is not getting enough attention is the ongoing grief most of us are experiencing. We may have lost our jobs and incomes. We can’t see or hug our friends or family. Vacations, if they happen at all, are very different than they were before. We may have lost loved ones and then lost the ability to mourn them in the way we would have liked to. We have lost things as basic as sharing a smile as we walk by someone. We have lost any sense of normalcy or predictability which has then results in a loss of any sense of security and safety.

The losses have quickly compounded. There are the daily small losses on top of whatever large losses we are struggling with. Because people feel maxed out there just is no time or capacity to cope with the grief. We may minimize it saying others have it way worse than us. We may not even acknowledge it happening because it takes everything we have to get through the day.
There are many reasons for the mental health crisis now occurring in the US and this inability to process grief or have any time for reflective self-care is part of it. If we are focused on survival then we have no emotional capacity for anything else.

I would love to be able to give you a list of 5 things to do to make it all better but sadly that is beyond my capacity. I think each of us has to identify who are support system is. We have to find out what is the thing that we can do that keeps us from flying over the edge. Is it walks, meditation, weekly happy hour zoom calls, take out or something else? Or maybe your thing changes every week or every day. I think receiving emotional support and having some  quiet time are keys for many of us. Exercise is also great. I know many people that are now taking daily walks. Simply acknowledging that we are scared and grieving is also helpful. Allowing some space to say you are really sad because you can’t see your elderly parents or naming whatever your biggest challenge is is important. It is important to know you are not alone in your struggles. We are in an unprecedented time and the levels of anxiety and depression have sky rocketed. Get professional support if you need it. Many of us are not coming to recognize that we are in this situation for the long haul so we need to strengthen our networks and coping skills on the one hand and on the other hand we need to own that some days are going to feel intolerable.

Take care of yourselves and your people the best that you can right now and ask for help if you need it.

Be safe!

 

December 2018

Grief-Empathy-And the complications of human relationships

2018-12-05T21:50:21+00:00December 5th, 2018|grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

So today is an interesting day. I had the news on and it was all about the coverage of the funeral of George H.W. Bush. One the one hand, I recognize he did many terrible things when he was President and running for office. Many gay men are dead because of his (and the prior administrations) lack of action on the AIDS epidemic. On the other hand, I see how many people loved him. It has been interesting trying to hold both the compassion I have for those people and the resentment I have for the damage he did.

To further complicate my feelings I had a great deal of empathy for George W. Bush this morning. His grief was palpable. You could see his wife fiercely trying to help him keep it together. And he did break down in tears during his eulogy. I hate what he did but I get that grief. I am not sure how anyone who has experienced grief could not have empathy for that level of grief. I think it shows that human relationships are complicated. During current times many of us are not showing our empathy to others. We are very black and white. Now I personally do not think I could ever have empathy for a person who thought it was okay to hold immigrant children in cages. I will admit that. I cannot be in relationship with them. It is a matter of personal values. Others can do it and others also cannot.

So I am wondering why I can have empathy for the Bushes and none for the current administration. I think the answer to that is that I can see the humanness of the Bushes. I can see how people love them. I can see that they have empathy towards others (not always politically but seemingly personally). I see W. giving Michelle Obama a candy at the funeral and it shows his humanness. But the current occupant of the oval office has none of that. You don’t see him stop and let his wife go first or see him cover his wife or child with an umbrella. You do not ever see him in a moment of actual human kindness. I think that attitude has started to permeate into our society. It is this attitude of us or them. Good people or bad people. People that are deserving and people that are not. While I have never personally found Republican politics to be about helping others I have never seen them at this level of trying to divide people in this country.

There is no easy way to reconcile this all. I am both glad that I can have empathy for a family going through this really hard time and at the same time I have anger towards those that act out their own pain by supporting policies that actively harm others. I will name and live with this conflict.

 

Let me know any thoughts you have on this topic in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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June 2017

Yay-Boo How Lifes Gives Us Different Perspective

2017-07-18T17:34:52+00:00June 2nd, 2017|gratitude, grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

Yay-Boo How Lifes Gives Us Different Perspective

Recently I went to see a show Ann Randolph’s Inappropriate in All the Right Ways.  At the end of the show, this introvert was tricked into audience participation. Ugh. Ann had talked about Yay-Boo. She explained that life is a series of Yays followed by Boos. So I went to college-Yay. Then I failed out-Boo. Then I started a wonderful career-Yay. Then the recession hit-Boo. And so on. She wanted audiences members to write a series like that on their own. What I noticed was that the Yay-Boos that I focused on were in the last few years. When I tried to go back earlier I came up with Yays but wasn’t finding the Boos. I remarked on this to my friend and she wisely said that those Boos didn’t seem like much anymore since I had faced far more challenging stuff in my life in recent years. So my perspective had shifted. Things that I know I both struggled with and ruminated about in my younger years no longer seemed like a big deal now. As I have become middle aged the struggles are very different, losses in particular. I had never had a real loss prior to recent years.

My insecurity of my 20’s and perhaps even 30’s seems so meaningless now as I both experience loss and watch others experience the same. To me, life has become precious in a way that I could not understand when I was younger. When you are younger mortality seems so vague. When you get older it becomes very present.

And even now I know that there are losses in my life that will come eventually that may be even harder. That’s not to be negative it is instead to say that I am recognizing even now my struggles may seem silly in the future. Which is okay. I have also learned over time that I can face life’s struggles in a way that allows me my feelings but also allows me to push through the tougher times and find more enjoyment in the easier times. That to me is a Yay-Yay.

 

 

 

Photo Credit Copyright: irinavk / 123RF Stock Photo

June 2016

It was a hard week to be a LBGT therapist

2017-03-25T23:07:59+00:00June 16th, 2016|grief, LGBT|

It was a hard week to be a LBGT therapist

I woke up Sunday morning and sat with my coffee and Ipad as is my morning routine. I immediately realized something horrible had happened. So on came the news. I was quickly in tears. Not just another mass shooting but one that specifically targeted both the LGBT and Latino communities. I watched the news until I was coaxed to turn off. I have checked in on the stories of the victims all week long. Each story breaks my heart. It has affected me deeply.

I understand that all people are hurt, angry, confused etc. about this shooting. But for LGBT people it is very very personal. We have all always known that on some level we aren’t safe. Many of us have experienced a variety of different anti-gay actions from name calling, to bullying, to murder. We have all been fearful of being who we are in public settings. For those of us of a certain age we all came out to some extent in a bar. The bars were where you were safe. Where you could dress like you wanted, kiss whom you wanted, and sigh a deep breathe knowing you did not have to pretend to be something that you were not. The bars were the safe place, for some in certain communities the only safe place for them. That has now been torn away.

Gay rights and to a lesser extent transgender rights have progressed enormously in the twenty plus years since I came out. We can now get married and in a lot of places can hold hands freely. At the same time our jobs are not protected in many states. Gender Non-Conforming and Transgender people continue to be harassed and hurt for going to the bathroom. The recent bathroom wars have caused many in the community to become fearful again. This horrible tragedy has exacerbated that fear.

I had more than one person tell me this week that this tragedy told them that people still want them dead. That is what LGBT people are holding this week. That some people want them dead. It makes me sad beyond belief.

As a therapist my job is to support my clients to help them work through their feelings. This week I had to do that as I held my own grief, anger, and sadness. What I could do was be with each of them as they had their feelings and be honest at the times when I had my own feelings about this horror.

I don’t know how we will all carry this moving forward. But this week as hard as it was to be a LGBT therapist there was nothing else I would have rather been doing.

 

March 2016

Recalibrating after a loss

2017-03-25T23:08:00+00:00March 8th, 2016|grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

Recalibrating after a loss

I posted an article about the grief of losing your mother on my Facebook page recently. One my friends wrote about the need to recalibrate after losing their mother. That word just resonated with me because it seems so fitting to what the process of grief can be like. When we lose someone who is a significant force in our life such as a parent or spouse we don’t just lose the person we lose our sense of life, as we know it. Our future looks different. We feel different.

When we have a strong connection with someone we create a future in our minds with them. If the relationship is positive then we know that they will be there for us and we will have their support and companionship to get us through the challenges of life. When that future plan gets taken away from us due to a death it can create a devastating anxiety and fear. Everything we thought to be true no longer is. If we are to move forward somehow we have to find a way to live our lives in a different way than we had planned. It is a frightening time.

I often talk with people about the different versions of ourselves we have in our lifetime. If we are lucky we learn and change and grow as we move through our lives. To me that is recalibration.  As life changes we are often forced to adapt. Sometimes we welcome these changes and more often we are forced into them kicking and screaming.

So what does it mean to recalibrate? It means finding our way in the world again. It means finding out who is truly our support system. It means learning new ways to cope. It means learning what we now like and dislike. It means learning to feel grief and stumble through it. It means somehow plugging our way forward in our new reality. Which is all any of us can do after a loss.

 

 

April 2015

You can love again-Coping with the Lost of a Pet

2017-03-25T23:08:00+00:00April 27th, 2015|grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

You can love again-Coping with the Lost of a Pet

Last year my beloved cat was diagnosed with cancer. He was 13. I have had many cats over the years and I have loved them all but this one was was special to me. He was devoted to me. When I found I out he had cancer I was devastated.  We made the decision to do chemo in pill form as the right treatment. Chemo for cats is different than for people as it’s goal is to extend life not save it. My guy lived 9 good months and had no side effects from the chemo. When we lost him I was numb. As a therapist I told myself that grief looks different for everyone but I wondered why I didn’t cry when I lost him.

I worried that I would never again have a cat as special as my Sammy. Fast forward a few months and one day I came home and said ” I need a kitten now!”  We had talked about the timing of adding a new cat. There were some good reasons to wait for a bit. But I just hit the point where I knew I couldn’t wait anymore. The laws of the universe cooperated. We looked online and saw a little girl cat in San Francisco. We got up early the next day and went to SFSPCA with all the paperwork ready. As soon as I saw her I knew. I fell deeply in love with her instantly.

She has been with us for 2 weeks now and we are working on integrating her with the other cats. She has a bold little personality and is a super-duper lap cat. I didn’t think I could love a cat as much as Sammy but I do. It’s different and it doesn’t take away from the love I had from him-in fact I think it is because of him that I love her so much. She is filling a hole I had in my heart. It is hard to be sad when there is a kitten in the house.

Everyone experiences grief differently. Not everyone will get another pet. But for me having a new little girl has helped me heal from the loss of my boy.

July 2014

Pet Grief-How To Cope When You Lose Your Best Friend

2021-08-11T00:16:11+00:00July 17th, 2014|grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

Losing our pets is one of the most painful experiences many of us go through. Part of the pain is having to make the decision to let them go.  How do we ever know when the right time is? And how do we not question that decision after it is made? Robyn Arouty a photographer has recently gotten a lot of press. She did a photo essay on the last day of life for a friend’s dog. Called “I Died Today” it is a beautiful tribute to one families’ love for their pet. One of the most touching aspects of this story is that this family adopted Dukey knowing he was sick. They had him for 3 years. Be warned reading it will cause numerous tears!

Robyn herself lost three animals in the last few years so she is no stranger to the grief of losing your pet. She has another post where she talks about that.

But I am going to quote it here because I think there is comfort in these words for anyone going through this experience. And I know people are starved to connect about this because Robyn’s site crashed because of all the visitors. Thank you to her for sharing her experience.

Her words on what she learned from her loss.

Dog Death, Dying, & Grief

What I know about doggie death, dying, & grief:

1. The time spent worrying about them leaving steals from the time you give them while they are here.

2. They leave when their mission is complete.

3. You can love again & again.

4. Experiencing death with your heart makes you stronger. You can overcome your fears. I’m living proof.

5. Letting them go when it’s time is the most selfless thing you can do.

6. Your soul is in your pet. Just look in their eyes & you will see it.

7. Loving hard means you will lose hard too.

8. Grief is only temporary.

9. They do come back. But you have to let them go first.

10. Animal lovers are a super special breed. Accept the love & support when you really need it. It’s ok.

– See more at: http://www.robynarouty.com/blog/#sthash.DUKIQCmE.dpuf

1. The time spent worrying about them leaving steals from the time you give them while they are here.

2. They leave when their mission is complete.

3. You can love again & again.

4. Experiencing death with your heart makes you stronger. You can overcome your fears. I’m living proof.

5. Letting them go when it’s time is the most selfless thing you can do.

6. Your soul is in your pet. Just look in their eyes & you will see it.

7. Loving hard means you will lose hard too.

8. Grief is only temporary.

9. They do come back. But you have to let them go first.

10. Animal lovers are a super special breed. Accept the love & support when you really need it. It’s ok.

 

 

What I know about doggie death, dying, & grief:

1. The time spent worrying about them leaving steals from the time you give them while they are here.

2. They leave when their mission is complete.

3. You can love again & again.

4. Experiencing death with your heart makes you stronger. You can overcome your fears. I’m living proof.

5. Letting them go when it’s time is the most selfless thing you can do.

6. Your soul is in your pet. Just look in their eyes & you will see it.

7. Loving hard means you will lose hard too.

8. Grief is only temporary.

9. They do come back. But you have to let them go first.

10. Animal lovers are a super special breed. Accept the love & support when you really need it. It’s ok.

– See more at: http://www.robynarouty.com/blog/#sthash.DUKIQCmE.dpuf

Copyright: pyotr / 123RF Stock Photo

May 2012

Shifting into the role of caretaker for your parents

2017-03-25T23:08:02+00:00May 30th, 2012|caregiving, grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

I have worn glasses since I was six years old.  Yesterday I saw the eye doctor and he suggested moving into progressives.  Progressives the new less painful language for bi-focals.  If there is a sign you are hitting middle age that is certainly one of them.

But it got me to thinking about the other things that start to happen to those of us of a certain age.  Like the transition in the relationship with your parents.  For most people at some point in time their relationship with their parents shifts-you start to be the caretaker instead of the other way around.

There is a lot written about the burdens of caretaking both for spouses and children.  But there seems to be a lack of writing on the losses that come with this shift in the relationship.  If you have had a good relationship with your parents then it is hard to lose that support and instead be the person supporting them.  If you have had a bad relationship it can bring on grief that you truly will never have the relationship with your parent(s) you wanted.

Grief is hard.  When there is a loss such as a death you may receive a lot of support, but then it dwindles. While you still struggle with grief for months or even years the people who support you have moved on.  When you have a situation where you become a caregiver for an aging parent it may go on for years.  People don’t know how to help so often they stop offering.  If they haven’t experienced that loss themselves they may not understand it and be able to be supportive.  Caregivers also are the people that have spent their lives helping others so they don’t reach out and ask for what they need.

For those of you dealing with the shift to caregiver to your parent I encourage you to reach out to the grief/caregiver resources in your community.  It is so challenging to see your parent shift from an independent person to one who needs care.  Give yourself space to deal with your grief and loss.  Dealing with some of it as it is happening can allow you to be present with your parent during this time.  The roles change but if you can find some acceptance around that you can enjoy the time you have with your parent.

 

Copyright:  aparagraph / 123RF Stock Photo

September 2011

Resilency and Grief

2017-03-25T23:08:08+00:00September 16th, 2011|gratitude, grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

I write this on the 10th anniversary of September 11th.  There is immense media coverage today bringing us back to that day and the tremendous loss that we all felt.  Everyone in country this suffered a loss that day.  Many people suffered the deep and personal loss of their family members.  The rest of us lost some illusion of safety, the notion of fairness, and the expectation of how life works.  I think we can all agree that this country is different today than it was before September 11th, in both good and bad ways.

As I have watched the survivors’ families talk about their grief and their lives moving forward, I have been amazed at their resilience.  It is only when tragedy strikes do we really know how resilient we shall be.  Many of the families that have lost loved ones on September 11th have worked very hard to do something positive to honor their family member’s memory.  I have seen books, camps, groups, and foundations all formed in the memory of a person lost. Those families that turned their loss into something positive were able to move forward in their lives without their grief, crippling them forever. It is a testament to them and their family members.

When I remember September 11th, what I want to remember are the positive things that came after.  I think we can all remember the days after when people were just more caring and giving than the day before.  I want to remember the ordinary people that did extraordinary things to help others.  I want to remember the sense of community that seemed to draw us together as Americans.

I feel sad a lot of that has been lost.  I see the country in a time where people’s fears make it easy to blame others for their misfortunes.  I hope we can move forward in our lives with gratitude for what we have.  I hope that we are letting those we love know how grateful we are for them.  And I hope that as we look back we can remember what was possible and all try to make ourselves a little more caring, patient, and giving to others.

 
 Copyright: robelf / 123RF Stock Photo

Grief

2017-03-25T23:08:08+00:00September 11th, 2011|grief, Thoughts From A Psychotherapist|

What is grief? Google it and get the definition that grief is the reaction to a major loss, and that it is usually a painful and an unhappy emotion. That doesn’t seem to do justice to the complexities of it. It is described as an emotion, which to me almost makes it seem like something transient. But as anyone who has grieved knows, it is a process that takes a substantial amount of time and energy and almost always goes on longer than we think it should. We somehow always think that the easy things should last and the hard ones pass quickly.

I was recently involved in a discussion on grief. Between all of us the only constant truth was that grief is hard and we all do it our own way. The way each of us copes may not always be the most functional way. Sometimes we withdraw, or make bad decisions, or become immobilized. People have a lot of different ways of coping with grief, some good for them and some not. The most important part seemed to be acknowledging the experience and not judging it. This can be challenging in a society that has trouble acknowledging grief. Our family and friends can be supportive for a period of time, but then most people do not know what to do anymore. It can be difficult to be around someone that is unhappy or depressed. It makes us feel helpless which is not something most of us are comfortable feeling. I know one of the hardest things I do as a therapist is to sit with someone as they are struggling with their pain. To just be with someone who is sad and not try to do anything to make it better is very challenging. That is what people need, someone to let them have their feelings without judgment. When we try to make someone feel better or solve their problems it invalidates their experience. This is why people that suffer from grief do best with either individual therapy or a support group. You either need to have been trained or to have been through it to be able to sit quietly with someone suffering.

I encourage those who are grieving to share it, talk about it to others who understand, and get it out of your head. Ask for what you need. And be kind to yourself.

Copyright: sripfoto / 123RF Stock Photo
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